8/6/2013 -- Mariners, Part 113

Well, game 113 is officially in the books, and boy howdy was it a doozy. So many things happened in this game. So, so many things. This game was a veritable sharknado of things happening and events occurring. And, of all the literally hundreds of things that happened in this game, some of them even mattered! Let’s get right on to it with some important factual information about tonight’s Seattle Mariners baseball game.

Where to begin, where to begin? The obvious place to start is the result: the Mariners lost. That’s informative, but not exactly exciting. The Mariners have lost 61 times this year, after all. There’s nothing inherently interesting about one loss out of 61. How about the score? Maybe that’s where today’s game can display its unique specialness, or failing that, its special uniqueness. So, the score: today's final score was 7 to 2. Ouch! Not even close!

So, it was a blowout loss. That’s depressing. Let’s dig into some stats, and see if we can drown our tears in the soothing caress of numbers:

• Prior to the game, the Mariners had a roughly 50 percent chance of victory. The Mariners quickly fell behind, and then quickly fell behind some more. As such, the probability of the Mariners winning the game rapidly fell towards zero. But it didn’t go all the way to zero, at least not immediately. Despite the apparent foregone-ness of the game’s conclusion, the Mariners battled on. It was heroic, kind of like Conan. (The Barbarian, not the comedian). Unfortunately, as I write this, it appears that the Mariners now have a zero percent chance of winning. So, despite the Mariners’ admirable collective willingness to keep fighting, the statistics say that it’s past time to give up hope of a comeback. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, fellow diehards, but numbers don’t lie.

• The Mariners committed four errors in this game. That’s a very large amount of errors, and it indicates carelessness on the part of the Mariners. It seems that the Mariners may not have been trying that hard after all. They may have even been drunk. This might be harsh, but I’m going to have to revoke that earlier Conan comparison. These Mariners don’t deserve it.

• One “Henry Blanco” played in the game, for the Mariners. Who? Ya got me. There’s a reason I Googled “what does henry blanco look like” earlier this week. That makes him, statistically speaking, the most obscure player on the Mariners (at least when it comes to statistics based on my personal internet search history). What I have learned about Henry Blanco, in the extensive research I’ve conducted while writing this article, is that he’s very bad and he’s very old. He has literally no hope of being good. No team that truly cared about winning would be starting Henry Blanco. And if the team doesn’t care, then why should we care? We shouldn’t. It makes no sense. And yet here you are, caring about the results of a team that starts Henry Blanco. You fool.

• Two final statistics for you: 14 and 17. The first statistic, 14, is the number of hours until the Mariners play yet another game, thus consigning this one to historical trivia. The second statistic, 17, is the estimated number of hours until I’ll have completely forgotten about this game. Bring on the amnesia, baby. I can’t wait.