7/31/2013 -- Mariners Play Long Game

That was quite a long game, wasn't it?

7/31/2013 -- Mariners, Again

The Mariners played baseball yesterday, again. The Mariners lost yesterday, again. Those were the 106th and 56th times those things have happened this year, respectively. These guys just don’t let up.

Some perspective: the average Mariners game this year has taken 3 hours and 2 minutes to complete. Over 106 games, that adds up 321.5 hours of baseball. In that time, one could watch every single episode of Seinfeld and every episode of television Joss Whedon has ever produced, and still have time left over to watch Zoolander about 26 times. That’s 24 years of television and 26 viewings of Zoolander, all in the time it takes to play 65% of a single baseball season for a single team (playoffs excluded). Baseball takes up an absolutely staggering amount of time.

Consider, also, that we still don’t know much at all about the Mariners. Two-thirds of a season isn’t nearly enough to determine the actual talent level of a team. It isn’t nearly enough to determine the actual talent level of any players. The Mariners have played 321.5 hours of baseball this year, and we’ve learned virtually nothing about them.

Baseball is colossally slow. It’s possibly the slowest of all entertainments. It takes hundreds of hours for even the hint of a narrative thread to become apparent, and thousands of hours for any sort of firm development to unfold. We watch, but nothing really happens, and we never really learn anything. Who are these Mariners, really? We don’t know.

On the one hand, this might point to baseball being a massive, pointless time sink. On the other hand, I hear ambiguity is all the rage in entertainment these days. If you’d like to watch a program where significant plot progression is a rarity and the central characters are complete ciphers, the Mariners may be exactly what you’re looking for.

So, sure, the Mariners might be a terminally boring waste of time. They might also be fine art.

7/29/2013 -- Mariners Fulfill Duties

Sunday afternoon, the entire on-field staff of the Seattle Mariners organization was called in to work a full shift. This marked the 17th consecutive Sunday that the Mariners had been forced to work. Adding insult to injury, every single one of those previous Sundays had also been preceded by Friday and Saturday shifts, making this the 17th consecutive weekend in which the Mariners’ bosses had called them in on what were supposed to be their federally-mandated days of rest.

The Mariners didn’t mind, though. It seemed like every other weekend that their bosses were demanding they fly to offsite meetings in some godforsaken hellhole or other. Baltimore, Detroit, St. Petersburg – the Mariners had visited all these and more in the past few months. This weekend, at least, the Mariners got to wake up in their own beds before violating the Sabbath for the enrichment of their corporate overlords.

Over 35,000 people showed up to watch the Mariners work on Sunday, each and every one of them paying for the privilege to do so. Like rats in a cage, the Mariners went about their business, trying their hardest to tune out the catcalls and jeers of the observing strangers. Fortunately, the Mariners were able to avoid the humiliation of public failure, cruising to a 6-4 victory. It was a win that meant a lot to the Mariners – specifically, it meant that no one would throw garbage at them today.

Sadly, the reprieve will be short-lived. Shortly after the game, the Mariners boarded a plane to Boston, and they’ll be right back at it Tuesday night. For the Seattle Mariners, the work never stops. Such are the wages of sports.

7/27/2013 -- Twins & Mariners, Mariners & Twins

If you’re like me, you have all sorts of fond memories of the Seattle Mariners. Most of those memories, of course, have to do with things that happened on a baseball field: The Double. Mike Cameron’s four homer game. Ichiro breaking the hits record. Felix hitting a grand slam off of Johan Santana. Things like that.

But the sport of baseball extends off the field as well. The Seattle Mariners are a social institution, and they’re people, too, and people are often memorable for their own unique reasons. To wit: Jay Buhner’s baldness. Bret Boone’s bat flip. Ken Griffey Jr.’s smile. Adrian Beltre’s testicle. Everything about Ichiro.

For Mariners fans of a certain age, though, one memory stands above them all: I speak, of course, of The Double Play Twins. Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt, or “JoLo” and “Yuni”, as they’re more commonly known, were the symbolic heart and soul of the mid-2000’s Mariners. Whether riding a tandem bicycle, or plodding dinosaur-like across the infield, or heroically fouling-off pitches that they never should’ve swung at in the first place, these Latin sensations provided the Mariners with a sense of excitement that had been missing for far too long.

Sadly, in this modern world of free agency and endorsement deals, nothing good ever lasts. The Double Play Twins have long since been separated. Yuni is in Milwaukee, where he continues to set records. JoLo has become a truly international figure, and now plays in Japan for the iconic Yomiuri Giants. Although Yuni and JoLo are still out there, news of their success is inevitably bittersweet, tinged with the regret of what was broken and can never be remade. Truly, the loss of the Double Play Twins has left a gaping hole in the heart of this Mariners fan.

But time goes on, and hope rears its head in the unlikeliest of places. In the past month, a new pair has emerged. Shortstop Brad Miller and second baseman Nick Franklin, though unlike Yuni and JoLo in many ways (primarily whiteness), are eerily similar to each other, and it's bringing back memories. It’s too early to officially pass down the mantle of The Double Play Twins, but you can bet that all of Mariners fandom is on the edge of their seats, just aching for the chance to rechristen these young men with a legacy that can still be redeemed, a legacy that –

– what’s that, you say? The Mariners played against a team called the Twins yesterday? You say you want to read about what happened in that game? That’s why you clicked on this article? Oh my! What a crazy coincidence! I am so sorry! I hate to let you down in this way. So, here it is, exactly what you want:

The Seattle Mariners played against the Minnesota Twins yesterday. The game was played to completion, and the final score was 3-2, in the Twins’ favor.

You’re welcome.

7/25/2013 -- Mariners, Twins Astound

Last night, there was a professional baseball game played between the Seattle Mariners and the Minneapolis Twins. By the official rules of baseball, the 40-or-so professional athletes who comprise the Twins were the “Losers”, while the 40-or-so professional athletes who comprise the Mariners were the “Winners.” Yet, it should be made clear, this is far from the whole story. Each and every member of the Twins organization likely spent their entire childhood being the greatest athlete they had ever met. Each is better than hundreds, or even thousands, of other decidedly professional athletes who they have left in their wake over their careers. Each and every ballplayer, even those typically considered weak, could beat me up. Each and every one could, and has, hit a ball of yarn and leather, thrown at well over 90 miles-per-hour and with bizarre intricacy of spin, very hard and with a piece of wood. The musculature, the hand-eye coordination, the commitment is truly absurd. The lowest paid player on the Twins will earn nearly a half a million dollars this year, and there’s a reason. These men are not losers. It would be far more apt to call them Gods.

Yet, to be naive for a moment, the Twins “lost” last night, and the Mariners “won.” In fact, to be absolutely and unnecessarily specific, the Mariners won by a score of 8-2. Players for both the Mariners and Twins swung at dozens and dozens of gruesomely fast-moving, weirdly spinning baseballs, and managed a number of hits that should be shocking for all but the most jaded. The Mariners got a total of 11 hits, the Twins a total of 8, but the Mariners hits happened to take place in quick succession, when players who had already hit the ball happened to be on base, and due to the vagaries of base-running we cannot help but add another tick to the ol’ Win column. 

Tonight, the Mariners once again take on the Twins, sending the unimaginably talented Felix Hernandez to the mound to take on a player who is equally unimaginably talented compared to probably anyone you will ever meet in person, Scott Diamond. Go M’s!

7/24/2013 -- Mariners Are Not

An existential disaster, that’s what this game was. The new-look Mariners had spent the past few weeks building an identity. They were a team. They were a team that never lost. Today, they lost, and that identity has been shattered, scattered to the four winds. “The Mariners”, as an existent unit, are no more.  They have ceased to be. There is no “Mariners” now. There is only a collection of irrevocably discrete energy beings whose temporary corporeal shells happen to be wearing matching shirts.

Don’t believe me? Think I’m waxing melodramatic with no regard for reality, probably out of some perverse desire to be “artistic” or “entertaining”? I don’t know why you would think that, but I know that people thinking crazy things isn’t at all uncommon, and I know that the first rule of good debate is to address the counterarguments – even the crazy ones. So, I’m going to show you some statistics.

Fangraphs provides a variety of statistics that can be used to analyze the similarity of sports teams. Without getting too deep into the methodology, these are calculated based on a combination of past performance and projected future performance. The more similar the performance, the more similar the teams. Prior to today’s game, here was the list of teams most similar to the 2013 Seattle Mariners:

• Colorado Rockies 
• Toronto Blue Jays 
• San Francisco Giants 
• Kansas City Royals 

What follows is the list of most similar teams once today’s game is taken into account. You’ll notice that the list is drastically different:

• Seattle SuperSonics 
• Milwaukee Beers 
• Newark Yaunkees 
• South Ossetia Roughriders 
• Proxima Centauri Beedogs 

This is bad news. This is very, very bad news. Obviously, none of these teams are likely to win a Major League Baseball game anytime soon. That certainly bodes ill for the Mariners’ chances of winning the World Series this year. The larger problem, though, is that none of these teams even exist. It’s not just a question of how we can expect the Mariners to ever accomplish anything if they don’t exist (we can’t). It’s also a problem for us, for you and me, for our identity as sports fans.

I have, for a long time now, understood myself to be a Mariners fan. I haven’t always been happy about that fact, but that was who I was. Now, that has been torn away, and I am lost, adrift in a perilous universe, with no shield of sports fandom to protect me from the terrors of the beyond. What shall I do? Shall I fill my days with meaningful, productive activity? Shall I construct an existence wrapped in experiential wonder at the beauty of the world? Maybe. I definitely could do those things. On the other hand, the Houston Astros are only one channel over, and I hear they might be pretty good in a few years…

7/23/2013 -- Mariners Are Hot

Is it hot in here, or is it just the Mariners?

That’s a trick question. There’s no reason it can’t be both. Why would the temperature have anything to do with the Mariners? What a ridiculous suggestion.

Anyway, the Mariners are in fact pretty hot right now, if you take “hot” to mean “winning baseball games.” That’s a bit of linguistic jargon that doesn’t make much sense if you stop to think about it, which is a good reminder that you should try to avoid thinking about stuff. Anyway. The Mariners are winning baseball games, and it’s all fun and exciting. You’re probably happy about the Mariners right now. You probably even want to watch the Mariners play baseball. How unfortunate for you.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but the Mariners still have a losing record on the season. They're still the Mariners. They’ve really only been good for a single week, and already here you are letting your guard down, getting your hopes up. There’s only one way this can end, and you should know what that is. Eventually, the Mariners will lose, and then they’ll either win or they’ll lose, and then they’ll either win some more or they’ll lose some more, or some combination of the above. That’s the one, single thing that can happen.

Once the Mariners are done flipping coins to determine their final record, they will almost assuredly not win the World Series. It’ll be only the 37^th year in a row that that’s happened. You probably won’t even mind. You’ll be optimistic about the future. You’ll think that maybe next year will be the year. Do you know what will happen next year?

No, of course you don’t. I don’t either. What I do know is that a bunch of dudes who you’ll never meet will spend an inordinate amount of time playing baseball. They might win something, but they most likely won’t. And then they’ll do it all again the year after that. How thrilling.

On the other hand, that Ackley fellow sure does have some mighty soulful eyes. So that’s good I guess.

7/21/2013 -- Mariners Break Record

A record was broken today. Sure, it’s not the kind of record that’ll appear on the cover of Rolling Stone. It probably won’t even make the cover of Us Weekly. But a record was broken, and it’s not every day that that happens. “So what was it,” you ask. I’ll tell you: Today, the Mariners broke the all-time record for most games ever played by the Seattle Mariners, ticking the counter up from 5,806 to 5,807.

Pause for a second to let that sink in.

Did you pause? I hope you paused. Now, let’s rap about 5,807. That’s a lot of games, as I’m sure you can tell. In fact, it’s so many games that it might cause you to think that today’s game was insignificant. After all, once you’ve played 5,806 games, what’s one more?

Don’t let yourself think that.

For starters, baseball is a game of seasons. What matters is what this game did in the context of this season, and by that metric it did a lot. By increasing their record from    45-52 to 46-52, the Mariners increased their seasonal rate of wins from .464 to .469. That increase amounts to a whopping .005, which you can tell is a large number because why would I use “whopping” if it wasn’t?

The Mariners now project to finish the season with a record of 77-85, a marked increase from the 76-86 finish they projected for before today. A pessimist might say that the difference between those records is totally irrelevant, since the Mariners won’t make the playoffs either way. A realist might also say that.

But you don’t want to be a pessimist, and you especially don’t want to be a realist, which is really nothing more than a pessimist with a dictionary. What you want to be is a baseball fan. And a baseball fan is someone who can appreciate the magic and meaning of 5,807.

So, sit back, crack open a beer, and think about 5,807. Think about it real hard. It happened today, and you were here. You were here for 5,807. Tilt that beer back and take a sip. You’re going to be telling your kids about this someday.

7/19/2013 -- Mariners Win Game, Are Alive

Friday night, in what can only be described as a baseball game, the Seattle Mariners defeated the Houston Astros by a score of 10 to 7. Picking up the win for the Mariners was Joe Saunders, 32. Saunders went 5.1 innings, racking up six strikeouts to go with three walks and three runs allowed. Following the successful start, Saunders now has a 9-8 record on the season and can expect to live for another 45.65 years.

Joe Saunders is old news, though. The real story of the game was the strong performance from the Mariners’ squadron of young up-n’-comers. Brad Miller, 23, led the pack with a 3 for 5 night, including the first two homers of his big-league career. Surely, these will be the first of many home runs Miller hits in the estimated 54.03 years he has left before shuffling off this mortal coil.

Also rolling dingers at the proverbial craps table was Kyle Seager, 25, who continues to build on a breakout season. It’s hard to believe that anything could go right for the Mariners, but Seager may very well be blossoming into a true star. Even if that’s a mirage and he's never this good again, this flirtation with greatness will provide him with many fond memories to enjoy in his 52.18 remaining years.

Several other relative youngsters put up nice performances, including Dustin Ackley, 25; Mike Zunino, 22; and Justin Smoak, 26. Of these, Zunino has the brightest future, with a projected 54.96 years left before he transmogrifies into an inert hunk of meat. He also had three walks today.

The loser of this game, officially speaking, was David Stefan “Bud” Norris, 28. Norris pitched poorly by any measure, giving up six runs in only 5.2 innings. With only two strikeouts collected, four walks handed out, and two home runs allowed, Norris has no one to blame but himself. He’ll have to live with this failure for approximately 49.39 years, at which point he won’t have to live with anything at all. His record for the season stands at 6-9.